Abandon my baby? No way, says unwed mum

By Stephanie Sta Maria - Free Malaysia Today

PETALING JAYA: September is set to be a bittersweet month for Dina*. The shy 20-year-old will be delivering her firstborn -- and then handing him over to his adoptive parents.

Dina's eyes turned misty as she contemplated this not-so-distant future. She is already besotted with her unborn son but raising him is out of the question for she is an unwed mother.

“I was raped by a family friend old enough to be my father,” she said softly. “When I found out I was pregnant, it was too late for an abortion. My father cried when I told him and it was a long time before my mother could look me in the eye.”

Despite offering emotional support, her parents struggled to conceal their pain and Dina eventually moved out. Her anxious search for refuge led her to OrphanCARE, a non-profit organisation that finds homes for orphans and abandoned babies.

The organisation works closely with the Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development and the Welfare Department and has found homes for 14 babies since its launch last April. Dina, however, is its first live-in unwed mother.

“Housing unwed mothers is not one of our services because of space and financial constraints,” explained its deputy president, Noraini Hashim (picture). “But we couldn't turn Dina away. Not when she wanted to take care of a baby that she could have easily abandoned.”
Noraini's words ring truer today than ever before. Baby dumping, which has long been among the social ills in Malaysia, is finally having its turn in the spotlight and is dubbed the latest “phenomenon” to arrest the attention of politicians, social workers and the media.

Deep compassion

According to the Federal CID director commissioner Mohd Bakri Zinin, the number of cases has risen to 472 since 2005, which makes the probability of Dina's son being another statistic frighteningly high. Until you consider that Dina herself isn't interested in being a statistic.

“I used to curse my baby for ruining my life,” she admitted, placing a gentle hand on her rounded belly. “But abandoning him never crossed my mind. How can I when a part of me lives in him? I've grown to love him and I would keep him if I could give him the life that he deserves.”

But Dina is far from taking a holier-than-thou stance. She's fully aware that her situation would be very different had she been rejected by her family and OrphanCARE. And this has left her with a deep compassion for unwed mothers who abandoned their babies.

“They must have faced terrible circumstances to be driven to do that,” she emphatised. “No mother would carry her child for nine months and then willingly abandon it. These mothers would have had no other choice.”

Noraini agreed. In many situations, she said, that choice fell into the hands of the father or a male family member and was made easier when the new mothers were too exhausted or terrified to fight for their baby's life.
“In one case, the father snatched up the newborn, stuffed it in a plastic bag and threw it into a river,” she recalled. “It is the fastest route to getting rid of the stigma and responsibility. Having said that, we've also met many young fathers who accompany the mothers to hand their baby over to us. These are the people who give us hope.”

Baby hatch still unused

OrphanCARE also introduced the country's first baby hatch in May this year in a move to reduce the number of abandoned babies. The office is a house tucked in the corner of a quiet street in a residential area that shield unwed mothers and couples from curious eyes.

The hatch is a vault-like structure built into the house exterior. Inside is a makeshift cot, a night light, an air-conditioning unit and a CCTV which is trained only on the baby. When a baby is placed into the hatch and the door is shut, an alarm is triggered in the caretaker's room.

After checking the CCTV to ensure that it isn't a prank, the caretaker allows the parents time to leave the premises before collecting the baby from the hatch. The baby is then matched with one of the 300 couples who have registered with OrphanCARE to be adoptive parents.

The attraction of a baby hatch is the anonymity it guarantees but to Noraini's surprise, the babies continue to be brought in by their parents.

“Like Dina said, given a choice, these mothers don't want to abandon their babies,” Noraini said. “But they don't want to face being judged any further either. So we're glad that they view us as a neutral party to which they can entrust their baby's welfare.”

Dina can vouch for that. She has found a safe haven in OrphanCARE and implicitly trusts that it will fulfil her hopes for her son. When asked what hopes she harbours for herself, she hesitated and then replied that she simply wanted to move on.

“I will never forget my baby but he will belong to someone else. So I have to continue with life. I don't know if I will ever marry because I'm afraid of men now.”

“But if I do meet someone, I won't tell him about my past. Regardless of the circumstances, being an unwed mother is a stigma that can never be erased. The only solace I cling to is that I did the right thing for my son.”

*Name has been changed to protect identity.