The following article is a work of fiction and any resemblance to people still living, already dead, or about to die is purely coincidental.
NO HOLDS BARRED
Raja Petra Kamarudin
Bangun!
All rise. The judge walks in and takes his seat.
Duduk!
All sit down again.
Case number 1651/09, the Shah Alam High Court, Public Prosecutor versus Mohd Azmir Mohd Zin, Ahmad Suhairi Zakaria, Mohd Hilmi Ni, Eyzra Ezhar Ramlz, Ibrahim Sabri and Ahmad Mahayuddhn Abd Manaf. Will all the accused please come forward and enter the dock.
The six enter the dock.
Okay. What is the charge? Please read out the charges to all the accused.
Yes, your honour. You, Mohd Azmir Mohd Zin, Ahmad Suhairi Zakaria, Mohd Hilmi Ni, Eyzra Ezhar Ramlz, Ibrahim Sabri and Ahmad Mahayuddhn Abd Manaf, are accused of dragging a cow’s head after Friday prayers on…….
Hold on. What are they being charged for?
Sedition, your honour.
Sedition? How come I don’t get to hear sodomy cases? I want to hear a sodomy case. Is there any sodomy involved here?
No, your honour. Only sedition.
How did they commit sedition?
They dragged a cow’s head to the Selangor State Secretariat building.
How can they commit sedition against a cow? Dragging a cow is not seditious.
It was not a cow, your honour. It was a cow’s head.
Of course you have to drag a cow by the head. I know that. You can’t drag a cow by the tail.
It was not a live cow, your honour. It was a dead cow.
These six accused dragged a dead cow?
Not a dead cow, your honour. Just a cow’s head. They cut off the head and just dragged the head.
They needed six people just to drag one cow’s head?
No, your honour. Only two dragged the cow’s head. In fact, they carried it by the horns. Not actually dragged it along the ground.
Then how come six are being charged if only two dragged the cow’s head? Did they take turns to drag the cow’s head?
No, your honour. Two dragged the cow’s head. The other four stepped on the cow’s head and spit on it.
So this is sedition against the cow?
Not sedition against the cow, your honour. They committed sedition because their act was an insult to Hindus.
Was the cow owned by a Hindu man?
No, your honour. We have not yet established who owned the cow.
Did the owner of the cow make a police report?
No, your honour. But many Hindus did make police reports.
But none of these Hindus owned the cow?
No, your honour.
Then why are they so upset?
Because they feel insulted.
Aiyah! This case is getting very complicated even before the trial can start. Can’t we just charge them for sodomy instead? I want to hear a sodomy case. Judges become famous when they hear sodomy cases, not cases involving cow’s heads.
We can’t, your honour. There is no sodomy involved here.
I’m sure if the police investigate properly they will find someone who has been sodomised.
Well, your honour, I think Umno has been sodomised.
There you are. So there is sodomy involved. Can we amend the charges to sodomy against Umno instead?
But your honour, Umno was not literally sodomised. It’s more like figure of speech sodomised. Umno was sodomised politically.
Anwar Ibrahim did not literally sodomise anyone either. He sort of politically sodomised Dr Mahathir Mohamad. But that did not stop the government from charging him and finding him guilty of sodomy. Why can’t these six be charged for sodomy, for politically sodomising Umno? I want to hear a sodomy case.
For this particular case we can’t, your honour. But maybe we can give you another sodomy case to hear. Tiong King Sing just sodomised Ong Tee Keat by revealing the details of the RM10 million cash donation. It is now public knowledge and there is even a Statutory Declaration floating around.
Fantastic. Make sure that that case comes to my court. Where did the crime occur?
In Petaling Jaya, your honour.
Ah, then that comes under my court’s jurisdiction. Okay, let us proceed with this sedition case then. Are there any witnesses involved? How many witnesses are going to be called and how many days will we need for this case?
Initially, there were some videos of the crime.
Are the videos going to be entered as evidence? Then the accused might as well just plead guilty and save the court’s time. If there are videos then they have no defence.
The videos were available, your honour. But now the MCMC has asked Malaysiakini to remove the videos under threat. So the videos are no longer available.
So the evidence no longer exists?
No, your honour.
If there is no longer any evidence why waste the court’s time with a trial? Just drop the charges.
We can’t, your honour. We have to make the Hindus happy by at least pretending that we are putting the six on trial and then later either drop the charges or find them not guilty due to lack of video evidence.
Why later? Why not now?
We can’t, your honour. There is a by-election coming up soon in Port Dickson and there are about 20% Hindu voters there. This will make the Hindu voters very unhappy. We can only drop the charges after Umno wins the by-election. If not Umno is going to be sodomised good and proper.
Ah, if Umno loses the by-election can’t we then change the charge to sodomy since Umno was sodomised in the by-election?
Umno can’t lose the by-election, your honour.
Why not?
Because there are more than 5,000 postal voters in a total of only 14,000 registered voters.
I see. So the opposition is going to be sodomised instead then.
Sort of, your honour.
And these six people being charged are also opposition members?
They are, your honour.
I always said Anwar Ibrahim’s people are troublemakers. All opposition people are troublemakers. I have already decided to find them guilty even before the trial starts.
These six are not Anwar Ibrahim’s people, your honour.
You said they are opposition supporters.
They are Umno supporters, your honour.
But you said they are opposition supporters.
Yes, your honour. Umno is the opposition in Selangor.
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