Anything but pork

“That’s right. We clamp a live monkey in that hole in the middle of the table. Then we slice open the skull and pour brandy into the skull after which we light it up and fry the brain while the monkey struggles and squeals. Oh, I forgot, you don’t take liquor.”

NO HOLDS BARRED

Raja Petra Kamarudin

“Are you ready to order, sir?”

“Yes. What is the speciality of the house?”

“Our deep-fried roast pork skin is the talk of the town.”

“No, no pork. I am a Muslim. I don’t eat pork.”

“Okay. No pork then. Why not try our duck cooked in wine? That is also our speciality.”

“No, no wine also. Muslims can’t take liquor.”

“Well, the duck won’t taste as nice cooked in Coca-Cola. Okay, our other speciality is monkey brain. Ours is the best outside Hong Kong.”

“Monkey brain?”

“That’s right. We clamp a live monkey in that hole in the middle of the table. Then we slice open the skull and pour brandy into the skull after which we light it up and fry the brain while the monkey struggles and squeals. Oh, I forgot, you don’t take liquor.”

“It’s not only the liquor. I also don’t eat monkeys, especially the brains of live monkeys, fried or otherwise.”

“Alright. Do you eat dogs then?”

“No, no dogs.”

“Okay, then I take it you don’t eat cats either.”

“No cats.”

“Squirrels?”

“No.”

“Try our snake then. We slit the snake from head to tail and garnish it with a special…”

“No, no snake.”

“Anteater?”

“Anteater? No.”

“You said no pork. But now it looks like no pork and hundreds of other things as well. This is going to go on forever. Why not just tell me what you can eat. That would be easier and faster.”

“Okay. I can eat beef, lamb and chicken.”

“Alright. Our sizzling beef is the best in town. Or you can try our steamed chicken or charcoaled lamb. Or try all three.”

“I’ll try your streamed chicken.”

“Okay, half or quarter chicken?”

“Half should be okay. But is it halal chicken?”

“It is the normal chicken with wings and feathers.”

“No, I mean is it properly slaughtered?”

“Of course. We never cook the chicken while it is still alive. We kill it first.”

“I mean, how do you kill it?”

“We cut of its head with a chopper.”

“Is it done the Muslim way?”

“The Muslim way?”

“Yes, with prayers.”

“The chickens can’t pray.”

“Not the chickens, the person who kills the chickens. Do they pray as they kill the chicken?”

“I don’t think so. Most times they are listening to music on their iPod.”

“Oh, then it is not halal. I suppose the beef and lamb would be the same then. Maybe I will just order the fish.”

“Okay, the fish then. You have no problems how the fish is killed?”

“No, no problems. But hold on. How do you cook it?”

“Steamed, fried, any way you like.”

“No, I mean do you cook it in the same pots and pans that you cook the pork and all those other things.”

“Yes.”

“You don’t have separate pots and pans for the fish?”

“No.”

“Oh, then it would be contaminated by the pork.”

“If that is a problem I can always serve the fish raw, something like Japanese Sushi.”

“No, it won’t taste so nice. Maybe I will just have the vegetables, raw, not cooked.”

“Okay. But why did you not just go to the vegetarian restaurant next door then? It looks like it is not just no pork but no everything other than vegetables.”

“Yes, I suppose it is not so much what I don’t want but what I do want, which is almost nothing.”