COMMENT In the grand scheme of things, it would appear that everything happens for a reason. Even accidents involving a group of Chileans, who unexpectedly found out that it wasn't all that exciting to be under a (lot of) rock for a couple of weeks.
For one, it can get rather boring after the first five “I spy with my little eye” games.
Now imagine if such an accident were to take place in our part of the world, where early mining expeditions usually included very eager Chinese Kapitans.
But to all intents and purposes, picture a modern-day expedition taking place seven hundred metres under the surface of the idyllic Kinta Valley, which is normally known for having quite a bit of rock.
People go through a lot of trouble to getting a bit of rock deep below the earth back to the surface. Just ask Lillian Too, who paints many of these rocks in funny colours before selling them to Chinese businessmen.
And it just so happens that a few Malaysians happened to find themselves (through no fault of their own) trapped underneath all that rock, with nothing but a few boxes of Maggi mee and no Astro to keep them company for the next two months.
It is an emergency of the highest order, but nothing happens. Yet. Like nearly every major action that has ever been made in recent years, it will have to wait for the writing of a police report.
Most men on the street underestimate the power of a police report. They scoff at it, thinking it a waste of paper. How wrong they are.
Contrary to popular opinion, having a police report in your hand has about the same effect that Charleton Heston had when he showed the Israelites his copy of Ten Commandments way back in the 1950s.
Power but no direction
If anyone tells you that a police report has no power, they are lying and are only jealous because they don't have one themselves.
Governments who once had their hands tied behind their back can now be spurred into action through the producing of a single police report.
But even a police report may not be enough. It has power, but does not have direction.
To put things into metaphors, the police report is a car, while the memorandum is the road, and the cow that gets knocked down a mile later while crossing that road is the serious problem.
After the memorandum is sent to the Prime Minister's Office, the Cabinet will then have a meeting and will discuss on the course of action to take, which usually results in the forming of a task force.
Because of the multi-faceted nature of the problem (and because there is no Ministry of Mining), many departments will have to be involved.
For starters, because the problem takes place within the land itself, the Land Office will no doubt have to be notified. As the miners' health will be taken into account, the Ministry of Health will have to tag along.
And of course, the Ministry of Works will have to be included, because at the end of the day, what good is an operation if nothing works?
The task force will then have to comprise a set number of personnel from all the departments (possibly 200 people). They will also have to be filled with members of every race within the Peninsula for muhibbah purposes as well.
Once it comes together, the task force will have to be trained in order to face the difficult problem ahead. This usually comes in the form of week-long conference/seminar trips to other countries that are commonly associated with mines such as China and Vietnam; although the latter tends to deal with a different sort of mine.
1MalaysiaCapsule
After learning all that there is to mines, the task force will then be ready to begin the rescue. Following Chile's example, a capsule capable of being lowered into the ground will have to be made.
As a symbol of national pride, it has to be made in Malaysia, even if most of the parts come from Japan. After being constructed by a GLC, it will then be named as the 1MalaysiaCapsule, usually because there is only enough time for just one to be made.
While the 1MalaysiaCapsule is being crafted, the site will be monitored by all sorts of parties and observers. Though the Ramly burger stand will be there well before the police.
The Malaysian Book of Records will also make an appearance, because it will be the first time a Malaysian has been stuck seven hundred metres under the earth.
Many a stirring speech will be made by politicians at the site. Even a performance by Siti Nurhaliza with a number of “Di Bawah Tanah Airku” (for supposedly morale purposes).
The only people who won't allowed to be there will be the candlelight vigillers, because they don't do anything else except sing the national anthem over and over again and get in everyone's way.
Assuming that the rescue completes without a hitch, celebrations will be in great supply. Every miner rescued will be have their hands shaken by the PM, DPM, FPM* and FDPM** respectively.
* Uninvited** Uninvited and will probably be escorted away in a Black Maria
Banners will be made and hung from buildings everywhere. A few survivors will become Datuks, while political analysts will excitedly proclaim that snap elections will be just around the corner.
And everyone will live happily ever after.
But assuming that none of it goes as planned, and everything goes very, very wrong, nearly everyone important will disappear faster than a buffet at a minister's Raya open house.
The only people left in the area will be the Opposition, who will then make many memorandums and police reports, making many inroads and knocking down many crossing cows in the process.
Unfortunately for the Opposition, police reports can only be effectively used once per every situation, much like an LRT ticket or a Statutory Declaration.
Although calls for a Royal Commission of Inquiry will be made, a less-than-monarchical inquest will be given because the people asking for the inquiry are usually anything but royal.
During the inquest, a foreign mining expert may be given the opportunity to give their theory on what went wrong. However, this theory may not be regarded highly, with the defence asking the expert to mine their own business.
And like every inquiry/inquest/trial, it will soon be forgotten, and everyone will also live happily ever after.
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