Someone e-mailed me this item, which came out today in http://nose4news.wordpress.com/. I thought it was funny enough for me to share it with you. The trouble is: many Malaysians do not have a sense of humour and good sarcasm is wasted on Malaysians. Anyway, here goes.
NO HOLDS BARRED
Raja Petra Kamarudin
If there was one thing all observers could agree on about Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak’s opening speech at the UMNO General Assembly for its Youth, Wanita and Puteri wings last night, it was how incredibly moving it was. So powerful was Najib’s oratory delivery that corruption — referred to as ‘money politics’ in UMNO circles — was effectively neutralised and eradicated from the organisation.
“I actually saw corruption dissipate from the hall, it was unbelievable,” said Roziman Musa, a delegate from Perak at the main PWTC assembly hall. “Before Datuk Seri Najib’s speech, money politics and vote-buying were evident in the faces of many of my fellow delegates. But as the DPM began his verbal assault on the corruption within UMNO, everyone was cleansed. Detoxified!”
A casual walk amongst the delegates revealed a cleaner, purer sense of being and an overall spirit of absolute harmony.
“I’m a man reborn,” said Jaafar Hussin, a delegate and senior UMNO member from Pahang. “I, like many of my friends, didn’t think twice about accepting money or contracts in exchange for votes before, but now I am free. I feel the wonderful void which all the corrupt thoughts have left behind. I am at peace with the universe."
“Thank you for the rousing speech, Datuk Seri!” he said, before running barefooted around the hall, throwing flower petals onto the appreciative crowd.
The sense of well-being was shared by every UMNO member nationwide, from top leaders to young members.
“We’re returning all our ill-gotten wealth to the community,” said Datuk Seman Azizuddin, a Terengganu branch chief and businessman when met at a hotel nearby. “My friends and I, who had amassed hundreds of millions of ringgit from our close ties to the administration, will now denounce our corrupt ways and live the life of clean, honest people, thanks to last night’s speech. What Datuk Seri Najib said resonated with the child within our souls, and released us from the clutches of our greed for money and power. We shall now embrace purity, selflessness and spirituality."
“Our crony days are over. Thank God!”
Puteri UMNO member from Lembah Keramat, Nina Badariah Ahmad, said that she now was more inspired to put her life into the party.
“Before this, I didn’t quite know why I joined, maybe because I subscribed to some of the ideals of the party, but mainly because I was intrigued by the power and potential wealth I could get my hands on,” said Nina. “But Datuk Seri Najib’s fiery speech has sifted all the impure and immoral reasons from the pure. He has killed all that is bad in the party. I am now in UMNO only for the good of the rakyat. Go UMNO!”
Opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, responding to this latest news, indicated that Najib’s speech ‘had rendered the purpose of the Pakatan Rakyat null and void’.
“Oh dear. I guess this is the end of PR,” he said over the phone solemnly. “We went out to the people on the promise of transparency, equality and justice, but now that UMNO is living all those qualities, with absolutely zero corruption, we’re pretty much dead in the water.”
“I mean, I guess you can’t win ‘em all. Even I was inspired by his speech; it brought tears to my eyes,” said Anwar, hinting that he’ll be calling for the dissolution of all opposition parties and a mass entry into UMNO, as soon as he can.
In addition to talking about choosing ‘clean and able leaders’ to take the organisation out of its current doldrums, Najib also spoke of UMNO being more IT-friendly and giving more attention to new media. Early reports have indicated that all mainstream printed media would abandon paper and offer their services online and for mobile exclusively, in effect saving trees and making the world a far, far better place for all our children.
Graphics Courtesy Stephff
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