Shakespeare wrote that 'the world is a matter of our point of view, nothing more, nothing less' and in the case of 25-year-old Sharan it is 'both illusion and the fullness of the divine'.
Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us, all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. - Memoirs of a Geisha
If you’ve read the “Memoirs of a Geisha”, you’ll relate to Sharan on a soulful note.
Sharan is a transgender.
She lives on her own terms and doesn’t think of herself as brave. She is content having surrendered herself to devotion, as described in the “Bhagavad Gita”.
Meeting her for the first time in her apartment, Sharan cuts a willowy figure in her moss-green saree, matching bangles and tinkling anklets.
She’s preparing for a dedication ceremony for transgender women at a Hindu temple in Pandamaran, Klang.
The fragrance of sandalwood incense permeates her apartment which she shares with three other transgender women. The place is a flurry of activity as the four women ready themselves for the ceremony.
“We take pride in the way we look, as you can tell,” Sharan said, with a mischievous smile.
“I am a transgender woman. I want people to notice me as a transgender woman.
“I go the extra mile with the makeup I put on and the accessories I wear to match the outfit I pick out.
“I don’t want to be mistaken as a regular woman because I am uncommon.
“If I were to think about fitting into a particular ‘acceptable’ mould, I would never be myself.
“I have already accepted myself as a woman,” she said.
Sharan is unconcerned with negative views and snide remarks.
“People will always think the thoughts they want to and it’s sad that they don’t look beyond outward appearances,” she said.
Self-discovery
Sharan hails from an educated family. She’s eloquent and is the eldest born.
According to Sharan, her mother had a tough time conceiving due to her endometriosis condition.
(Endometriosis is a gynecological condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus flourish outside the uterine cavity on the ovaries. Endometriosis occurs in roughly 5% to 10% of women and is linked to infertility.)
Before conceiving Sharan, her mother had two miscarriages. Both were male fetus. Sharan now has two younger sisters.
Recalling her journey to self-discovery Sharan said, she had always known there was something different about her.
She was 14 when she received a resounding wake-up call as to her gender.
“I remember going to the toilet as I was experiencing some very bad stomach pains.
“I thought at the time that it had something to do with a bowel movement.
“When I sat on the commode, I found that I had discharged a rather large red blob and I was terrified because I thought it was part of my intestine,” she laughed, reminiscing the “moment”.
Her parents promptly whisked her to a hospital where a biopsy and blood tests were done.
The results left the doctors baffled as it showed an XX chromosome. A second round of tests were done and the results were confirmed.
“I was someone with a ‘son of’ in my name but with a female XX chromosome.
“The doctor even did an endoscope and he drew out a diagram of what he saw inside of me – a non-functional under-developed womb – and informed us that I would experience a kind of menstruation every two to three months.”
Reality slap
Sharan added that from then on, things were very different.
A letter was dispatched to the school she attended, informing the teachers about her condition.
It was also at this time that Sharan began to develop breasts and the situation at school got out of hand.
“It was an evening after classes and I was approached by one of the boys I attended school with.
“He brought me to the back of the school and asked me questions about my body and gender. Suddenly, from one boy, I was surrounded by eight others.
“They raped me that evening. It happened over a period of 20 minutes.
“It’s a short time if you say it like that, but when you’re there, going through it, 20 minutes is a lifetime,” she said, recalling the frightening episode.
It was her first slam with reality.
Sharan never told anyone about what happened.
“I was so terrified to say anything. If I had said something, I’m sure the boys would have come after me and the adults would say, ‘What do you expect?
“‘You are so effeminate and maybe if you appeared more masculine, they would leave you alone.’ I was so young and didn’t know any better then,” she said.
Priceless liberation
Over the years, Sharan found her voice and began to speak up for herself.
“I will never be silent again,” she said, with conviction, adding that self-acceptance came after many years of accepting the term “transgender”.
‘It’s priceless, this sense of liberation. I am now able to be my true self. I don’t have to subject myself to listening to people telling me to be more masculine or walk upright,” she said.
She attributes her “sense of liberation” to conversations she’s shared with other transgender people and the pride that comes with understanding and acknowledging oneself.
There are some 30,000 transgenders in the country – numbers big enough enough to build a strong community.
Today, Sharan volunteers with the PT Foundation and spends much of her time speaking at awareness campaigns.
(PT Foundation is the largest community-based organisation working with the communities most affected by HIV.)
This aside, Sharan has also surrendered herself to devotion. She’s been ordained as a Hindu “nun” dedicating herself to devotional duties in a temple for anyone who needs special prayers.
If things go her way, Sharan will head to Thailand in a few weeks for her gender re-assignment surgery.
“I don’t know how the surgery will go. But I would rather die on the surgery table knowing that I at least gave one of my dreams a shot rather than to wonder about the ‘if only and what ifs’.
“I’ll just leave everything in God’s hands and I know he’ll take care of everything,” she said.
Building a future
When she returns, Sharan plans to go into business and build a future for herself.
“I’ve applied for a bank loan and we’ll see how that goes.
“I would like to set up a small business selling Indian-style jewellery and work towards owning a house.
“Life has shown me that I can only depend on myself. There will always be eyes watching and waiting for me to trip so they can pinpoint my errors.
“There are very few who will celebrate our triumphs with us.
“When we are successful, they will say that we are ‘lucky’.
“Luck has nothing to do with it. It’s about faith, confidence and self-belief,” she said.
Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us, all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. - Memoirs of a GeishaIf you’ve read the “Memoirs of a Geisha”, you’ll relate to Sharan on a soulful note.
Sharan is a transgender.
She lives on her own terms and doesn’t think of herself as brave. She is content having surrendered herself to devotion, as described in the “Bhagavad Gita”.
Meeting her for the first time in her apartment, Sharan cuts a willowy figure in her moss-green saree, matching bangles and tinkling anklets.
She’s preparing for a dedication ceremony for transgender women at a Hindu temple in Pandamaran, Klang.
The fragrance of sandalwood incense permeates her apartment which she shares with three other transgender women. The place is a flurry of activity as the four women ready themselves for the ceremony.
“We take pride in the way we look, as you can tell,” Sharan said, with a mischievous smile.
“I am a transgender woman. I want people to notice me as a transgender woman.
“I go the extra mile with the makeup I put on and the accessories I wear to match the outfit I pick out.
“I don’t want to be mistaken as a regular woman because I am uncommon.
“If I were to think about fitting into a particular ‘acceptable’ mould, I would never be myself.
“I have already accepted myself as a woman,” she said.
Sharan is unconcerned with negative views and snide remarks.
“People will always think the thoughts they want to and it’s sad that they don’t look beyond outward appearances,” she said.
Self-discovery
Sharan hails from an educated family. She’s eloquent and is the eldest born.
According to Sharan, her mother had a tough time conceiving due to her endometriosis condition.
(Endometriosis is a gynecological condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus flourish outside the uterine cavity on the ovaries. Endometriosis occurs in roughly 5% to 10% of women and is linked to infertility.)
Before conceiving Sharan, her mother had two miscarriages. Both were male fetus. Sharan now has two younger sisters.
Recalling her journey to self-discovery Sharan said, she had always known there was something different about her.
She was 14 when she received a resounding wake-up call as to her gender.
“I remember going to the toilet as I was experiencing some very bad stomach pains.
“I thought at the time that it had something to do with a bowel movement.
“When I sat on the commode, I found that I had discharged a rather large red blob and I was terrified because I thought it was part of my intestine,” she laughed, reminiscing the “moment”.
Her parents promptly whisked her to a hospital where a biopsy and blood tests were done.
The results left the doctors baffled as it showed an XX chromosome. A second round of tests were done and the results were confirmed.
“I was someone with a ‘son of’ in my name but with a female XX chromosome.
“The doctor even did an endoscope and he drew out a diagram of what he saw inside of me – a non-functional under-developed womb – and informed us that I would experience a kind of menstruation every two to three months.”
Reality slap
Sharan added that from then on, things were very different.A letter was dispatched to the school she attended, informing the teachers about her condition.
It was also at this time that Sharan began to develop breasts and the situation at school got out of hand.
“It was an evening after classes and I was approached by one of the boys I attended school with.
“He brought me to the back of the school and asked me questions about my body and gender. Suddenly, from one boy, I was surrounded by eight others.
“They raped me that evening. It happened over a period of 20 minutes.
“It’s a short time if you say it like that, but when you’re there, going through it, 20 minutes is a lifetime,” she said, recalling the frightening episode.
It was her first slam with reality.
Sharan never told anyone about what happened.
“I was so terrified to say anything. If I had said something, I’m sure the boys would have come after me and the adults would say, ‘What do you expect?
“‘You are so effeminate and maybe if you appeared more masculine, they would leave you alone.’ I was so young and didn’t know any better then,” she said.
Priceless liberation
Over the years, Sharan found her voice and began to speak up for herself.
“I will never be silent again,” she said, with conviction, adding that self-acceptance came after many years of accepting the term “transgender”.
‘It’s priceless, this sense of liberation. I am now able to be my true self. I don’t have to subject myself to listening to people telling me to be more masculine or walk upright,” she said.
She attributes her “sense of liberation” to conversations she’s shared with other transgender people and the pride that comes with understanding and acknowledging oneself.
There are some 30,000 transgenders in the country – numbers big enough enough to build a strong community.
Today, Sharan volunteers with the PT Foundation and spends much of her time speaking at awareness campaigns.
(PT Foundation is the largest community-based organisation working with the communities most affected by HIV.)
This aside, Sharan has also surrendered herself to devotion. She’s been ordained as a Hindu “nun” dedicating herself to devotional duties in a temple for anyone who needs special prayers.
If things go her way, Sharan will head to Thailand in a few weeks for her gender re-assignment surgery.
“I don’t know how the surgery will go. But I would rather die on the surgery table knowing that I at least gave one of my dreams a shot rather than to wonder about the ‘if only and what ifs’.
“I’ll just leave everything in God’s hands and I know he’ll take care of everything,” she said.
Building a future
When she returns, Sharan plans to go into business and build a future for herself.
“I’ve applied for a bank loan and we’ll see how that goes.
“I would like to set up a small business selling Indian-style jewellery and work towards owning a house.
“Life has shown me that I can only depend on myself. There will always be eyes watching and waiting for me to trip so they can pinpoint my errors.
“There are very few who will celebrate our triumphs with us.
“When we are successful, they will say that we are ‘lucky’.
“Luck has nothing to do with it. It’s about faith, confidence and self-belief,” she said.
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