Transforming wives into whores

The very premise of OWC is shaky, for it emasculates women and turns them into slaves.

COMMENT

From medieval times up to this very day, women have been forced to shoulder the burden of guilt each time a rape occurs or a relationship collapses. Little blame, if any, is put on the man.

In the case of a relationship, the making or breaking of it lies squarely on the shoulders of a woman.

A woman has to do what it takes to always ensure her man is happy. Her life post-marriage becomes the “property” of her husband, with the woman hardly having any say on anything.

How much more oppression must a woman endure to keep her marriage going? History tells us that women have always been held to ransom where marital happiness was concerned.

Take the practice of sati or the burning of the widow bride in India. When the husband died, the wife was dragged to sit on the funeral pyre and immolate herself, in what was called “sati”, supposedly a “till death do us part” misguided notion blindly held by the community.

Meanwhile, foot binding, a custom practised on young girls and women for about 1,000 years in China (from the 10th century to the first half of the 20th century), resulted in young girls and women experiencing immense pain and torture while their feet were bound. And it was all for the sake of pleasing the men who found bound feet intensely erotic. A woman with perfect lotus feet was likely to settle into a more prestigious marriage so much so that the Qing Dynasty sex manuals listed 48 different ways of playing with women’s bound feet.

The men could not care less that the girls had to suffer excruciating pain when binding the feet, which involved breaking the arch of the foot, which ultimately left a crevice about 5cm deep, which was considered most desirable. Or for the matter that foot binding could lead to serious infections including gangrene.
For the men, the primary erotic effect was the lotus gait, the tiny steps and swaying walk of a woman whose feet had been bound. The fact that foot binding resulted in lifelong disabilities for most women hardly perturbed the men of that time.
Pain all for pleasure
Over in Africa, girls as young as four to 10 suffer the pain of female genital mutilation (FGM), a cultural practice that started in the continent about 2,000 years ago. To have sexual intercourse, the women have to be opened up in some fashion and after child birth, some women are re-infibulated to make them (tight) for their husbands.

Some 135 million girls and women are estimated to have undergone FGM and with an additional two million a year at risk. FGM continues in Africa, Middle East, parts of Asia and North America, Latin America and Europe.

For Amnesty International, it is taking up the fight to put an end to FGM which has today become a human rights issue, one that has gained international recognition.

In Malaysia’s case, it is making news of a different kind with regard to women, particularly Muslim wives being urged to “transform” into whores to please their husbands.

This urge – that Muslim wives drop all inhibitions when it comes to sexually satisfying their husbands – comes from Maznah Taufik, founder of the “Obedient Wives Club” (OWC), who said being an obedient wife was all about entertaining the husband, failing which the wife risked losing her husband to another woman.

For Maznah, who is herself involved in a polygamous relationship, and her like-minded club honchos, a Muslim woman could bet on a successful marriage if she regaled in playing prostitute all the way in the bedroom.

Pleasing a husband is a challenge the Muslim woman has to deal with throughout her married life. Unfortunately, many Muslim wives dare not displease their husbands for fear of being “dimadukan” or ending up in polygamous relationship.

A step backward

Maznah’s OWC, a platform to discipline women to kowtow to their husbands, is however a step backward where emancipation of women is concerned.

Why is the wife duty-bound to please her husband under all circumstances, even at the expense of her health? Can Maznah disclose just how many Muslim wives have been raped by their husbands when they refused to engage in sex because of illness or were having menstrual cramps or perhaps stressed out? Does the man respect the wife when she says, “No” and backs off?

When famous golfer Tiger Woods decided that indulging in extramarital affairs was all right, he made the worst mistake – that of taking his wife of five years, Elin Nordegren, for granted. Likewise, when actor-turned-politician Arnold Schwarzenegger continued his philandering ways, he was in for a rude shock when wife Maria Shriver decided she wanted out of the 25-year-old marriage.

Feeling betrayed, was it wrong for both Nordegren and Shriver to divorce their husbands for failing to live up to their marriage vows and ignoring the basic tenets which are the pillars in a marriage, that is, trust and loyalty?

In Shriver’s case, a former journalist, she decided to carry on with the marriage even when her husband controlled what she ate to prevent her from putting on weight. Still, her patience finally reached saturation point after Schwarzenegger admitted to his womanising ways.

For Shriver and Nordegren, the pressure to ensure their marriage survived must have been great, bearing in mind the famous men they were married to. However, the emotional hurt and anguish meted out by their husbands was the straw that broke the camel’s back, forcing both these women to end their respective marriages.

The brave actions of Shriver and Nordegren to take their philandering husbands to task, however, were dismissed back in Malaysia by those wives who ironically try to win respect by defending their politician husbands who unabashedly indulge in extramarital affairs, sexually harass female workers at bars, rape their domestic workers and commit statutory rape.

Does that make both Shriver and Nordegren failures because they were not willing to bend backwards to keep their marriage going? Just how much must women bend backwards and accommodate their husbands’ philandering ways and suffer in silence?

Why must the burden of guilt always end up on the women’s shoulder to keep the marriage afloat while the men conveniently regale in their unbridled freedom?

Conventional belief

It takes a woman of substance to vow to never compromise her dignity and self-esteem for the sake of a man’s happiness. Relationship is a two-way journey and can only flourish if both the woman and man put in the much-needed effort to sustain it.

And it takes a woman who respects and values her dignity to not succumb to the notion that a woman is only as good as her marriage. In other words, she is above the conventional belief that if a marriage breaks down, it is the woman who should be blamed, never the man.

Speaking of dignity, it appears that Maznah had long compromised hers when she decided that the happiness of a man overrides her self-worth.

Maznah, through her ill-conceived club, is going out to espouse to women that they should spare no effort in keeping their men happy. How? By being subservient to the man, by being a paragon of obedience all throughout her married life.

When a man demands that a woman dedicates her existence to pleasing him, that is a male chauvinist taking a woman for granted. But what do you make of someone like Maznah who says that women are “created” to serve their husbands, physically and sexually?

The OWC is aimed at “teaching” Muslim women how to make their husbands happy especially in bed, a move which Maznah believes can prevent the men from straying or misbehaving.

But then, Muslim women in particular have long been living under the dogmatic belief that the purpose of getting married is to please their husbands, no matter the time of the day.

When Maznah says the club will also tackle problems concerning divorce and domestic violence, does that mean that women who suffer abuse at the hands of men will be brainwashed into staying put in the marriage – for that is what an “obedient” wife should do – or will be labelled a “nusyuz” (causing disruption to marital harmony)?

Reverse gear

Pathetically, what Maznah is attempting is to throw women into the deep abyss of subservience, of having no voice to fight for their rights. In other words, Maznah believes that a Muslim woman belongs to a man and betraying her man is the ultimate sin the woman stands to earn.

“Obedient wives means they are trying to entertain their husbands, not only taking care of their food and clothes. They have to obey their husbands. That’s the way Islam also asks,” Maznah had said.

Not only has she painted a negative perception of Islam, Maznah has also added insult to injury by saying: “Some wives, they just want to get married for leisure but they don’t know the responsibility.”

It appears that Maznah has got it all wrong. The opposite of her statement is true: it is the Muslim men who marry for leisure, especially those who take on two, three or four wives.

A 2010 study by a Muslim activist group found that men in polygamous relationships find it difficult to meet the needs of all their wives and children, resulting often in unhappy and cash-strapped families.

The very premise of Maznah’s club is shaky, for it emasculates women and turns them into slaves, who exist solely for the purpose of appeasing the man. Maznah, a supporter of polygamy by virtue of her being the second wife, is far from being empowered in trying to improve the lives of women, in this instance, the Muslim women.

The fact that this country’s divorce rate doubled from 2002 to 2009, with the rates higher among Muslims than non-Muslims, is hardly an excuse for Maznah to turn her fellow “sisters” into hookers. In her eagerness to please her man, Maznah has forgotten that it takes two to make a relationship work, with sex being just one part of it.

The OWC is not the only damage Maznah has done. In 2009, she set up the Ikhwan Polygamy Club to promote polygamy, encouraging Muslim women to never hesitate to end up in a polygamous relationship as Islam allows Muslim men to have up to four wives during the former’s lifetime.

But the headaches and heartaches that a polygamous relationship brings are far too many, with the man often failing to serve each wife fairly, be it emotionally or economically. The absence of a standardised syariah law in Malaysia further oppresses the women, as in some states the men do not have to seek their wives’ consent in taking on another wife.

It is unfortunate that instead of putting her effort at liberating women, Maznah has moved into reverse gear, in the process causing so much irreversible damage.