The Hitchikers' Guide to the MCA Galaxy

During the last lap, the going rate for an EGM requisition signature was up to RM35,000, because he just wanted to meet 921 signatories. "921" refers to the triad "21" - and this was confirmed by his hardcore supporter, Kapar MCA division chief Dato Song Kee Chai.

THE CORRIDORS OF POWER

I Love Malaysia

Wondering what the hell is MCA going through now? Lost in unfamiliar names? Can't make sense of the "I say this, you say that?". Here's a simple guide to help you stay on top of the MCA Mess.

THE WHAT

The whole battle revolves around one man - Chua Soi Lek - who was caught having sex with a woman who's not his wife, on video. MCA sacked him for that, just as any worker would have been sacked if they were caught with their pants down and it is beamed worldwide, worse still if it is one of the top Internet searches on porn sites. The whole MCA mess revolves around him trying to hang on to power. Can you imagine a crook trying to become the PM?

THE WHO

Let's put this one in simple terms for this one: It's a battle between the New MCA and the has-beens. On one side of the ring is the president Ong Tee Kiat, who's solidly backed by his three other Cabinet ministers and eight deputy ministers and more than two-third of his central committee. On the other side, is a bunch of has-beens. In random order of uselessness:

1) Tan Chai Ho - former deputy Home Minister whose atrocious English and Malay would have made him MCA President for Eternity if they could be translated into votes. He was also linked to the triads, and several years ago, he officiated an office lot of his "friend" in his then constituency, Bandar Tun Razak. Later, his "friend" was found dead after a police shootout near Seremban, and was later identified as head of the brutal M16 Gang.

2) Loh Seng Kok - In MCA's 60-year history, he is the only MP who served only one term (in Kelana Jaya) and was not fielded again. Poor performance would have been an understatement. The voters in Kelana Jaya got so mad at his poor record, they voted for videoman Loh Gwo Burne instead in 2008.

3) Chong Itt Chew - Another has-been whose power base is in Kedah, where he used to be an exco. Now, itching for a comeback. Just ask any housing developers in Kedah. They would tell you that even if all the houses in Kedah were to turn into closets, it still cannot store the skeletons he has. But possibly there may be just enough room to keep his ill-gotten gains.

In simple terms, it's a bunch of losers sleeping on the same bed sharing different dreams, and led by a porn star. Ohhhh.... they're soooo screwed.

THE WHY

One man wants to become the MCA president and Health Minister. The rest just wanna tag along. Not convinced? Look at his EGM resolutions. They include two seemingly disconnected but related points: The first is to get rid of OTK through a motion of no confidence. The second is to reinstate CSL as deputy president. When No 1 is gone, No 2 takes over. Sweet and simple. The rest of the gang just want to hitch a ride on the laughing stock of the international community.

Ok, point taken about the MCA presidency, but why Health Minister? Why not Transport, Tourism, or even Womens' Affair (hey, at least it's still a Cabinet post)? Someone's got unfinished business there after collecting the loot and making sky-high promises. The triads are angry, they have not received their dues. At least three Ministry of Health-licensed drugs-labelling firms and one hologram manufacturer (for medicine) have effectively signed blank cheques and gotten nothing in return. At that time, no one thought he was going to call it a day so soon. And Maha Global Sdn Bhd, which made some RM19 million clean profit from the land scam (http://mohlandscam.blogspot.com) has all but run out of cash after bribing delegates to sign the EGM requisition and the Malaysian Insider (the PR firm, which tries to pass off as a news portal) to spin lies.

THE WHEN

If CSL had his way, he would have wanted to become the MCA president when he was in his mother's womb. He started the EGM signature campaign DAYS after winning the 18 October 2008 MCA elections (it's like working towards a divorce days after getting married). Let's put it in perspective: if the Ah Longs are coming after you and splashing your house with red paint every other day, would you have killed for that winning lottery ticket your friend now has? Would you have killed your own parents just so you can inherit their wealth earlier?

The MCA EGM has been called. One can almost see CSL lining up at the Wisma MCA in Jalan Ampang now, eager to cast his ballot and trying to imagine the massage rooms and saunas he can build in the presidential office once he takes over and the hot chicks he can hire as secretaries.

THE HOW

If CSL's campaign had a theme song, it would go like this (sang to the tune of "Old Macdonald): "Bribe, bribe, bribe, bribe, let's give bribe. And they'll support me." CSL calls OTK "grandfather of nonsense", but he himself is the "Grand Old Man of Money Politics" in MCA. He gives money like it's a cure for A(H1N1). During the last lap, the going rate for an EGM requisition signature was up to RM35,000, because he just wanted to meet 921 signatories. "921" refers to the triad "21" - and this was confirmed by his hardcore supporter, Kapar MCA division chief Dato Song Kee Chai (http://www.nst.com.my/Current_News/NST/articles/04ems/Article/index_html).

Le'ts leave out the triads link for now, as they are massively pissed with CSL.

Next, CSL runs to Bintulu MP Tiong King Sing, who's agreed to bankroll CSL with only one condition: sweep PKFZ under the carpet once he takes over. The deal is sealed faster than CSL gets it up with the blue pill. Then, CSL runs up to PM Najib, who at first bought into all the weeping and whining, but later PM saw through the man, whose screen experience is of pornographic proportions.