So
I am quite certain you must be rather pleasantly overwhelmed by the
show of support you will receive from an anticipated potpourri of
300,000 Malaysians on the 9th of July. You must be sighing with relief
that this outpouring of anxiety from so many right-minded and
law-abiding citizens will hopefully make your job a little easier.Dear Mr. IGP,
I trust you and the Missus are both well and in the pink of health.
I am sure you must have heard about the upcoming Bersih rally planned for Saturday the 9th July. You must be as excited as everyone else over this remarkable event.
Isn’t it wonderful that hundreds of thousands of Malaysians of all races are planning to come together with such unprovoked and genuine ease with the sole purpose of showing their support for such a noble cause as this one. Yes, that’s right, showing the world that we, as concerned citizens, do not condone chicanery in any form. We are trying to make the point that all the cheating and unfairness that goes on in our parliamentary and state elections is actually wrong.
We want to make it known to the world at large and to the Election Commission in particular that all these wrongs must be righted because this is actually an issue involving criminal law, which I know you are good at so you will appreciate the necessity for all this.
This is why I am so thankful to you for your anticipated offer of assistance to these true blue Malaysian patriots who will no doubt have to sacrifice quite a bit that day, like giving up a hard earned weekend, walking around in the hot sun, or pouring rain (you know what our weather is like) for no personal benefit other than their concern for the general well being of our country. Don’t you think that is so commendable? I know you do.
I also know that you are personally very concerned that all these wrongdoings which happen every time we have an election should not only be stopped immediately but eradicated forever.
We just can’t continue to turn a blind eye to all the bribery and corruption that goes on every time an election is held. You know I am referring to all those cash payments made to buy ballot papers from voters, monetary inducements, threats, blackmail, gifts, promises of financial assistance, misuse of public funds and government machinery etc etc. I am sure you are just as frustrated as everyone else is, having to put up with this nonsense every time.
So I am quite certain you must be rather pleasantly overwhelmed by the show of support you will receive from an anticipated potpourri of 300,000 Malaysians on the 9th of July. You must be sighing with relief that this outpouring of anxiety from so many right-minded and law-abiding citizens will hopefully make your job a little easier.
What a relief you must also feel knowing you have the support you so deservedly need in doing your duty to combat this ever present menace without having to look over your shoulder every so often. Take courage in the fact that the rakyat are behind you.
As you are new to this game please permit me to assist you a little. I hope I am not being a little too presumptuous here. Excuse me if I am. You see, your predecessors actually stuffed up big time on many occasions. We have to try and avoid past mistakes. This time we are going to do things right.
May I therefore suggest that you consider putting the following in place in an effort to ensure that everything proceeds smoothly on that glorious day:
1. You will need to deploy extra police personnel to monitor the procession and to assist those who are taking part. You will need to have your men stationed at intervals along the route to ensure that the participants are protected from trouble makers who may be out to disrupt the peace and tranquility of the day. (There’s always the odd whacko around – see points 10 and 11 below).
2. Therefore I suggest that you give instructions to all your men to volunteer to forgo the incessant assaulting of detainees, with sand filled rubber hoses and telephone directories, in all lock ups in and around KL for just one afternoon and instead put in a mass order for pizza delivery to keep these detainees happy while your men man the streets.
3. It might also be a good idea to rope in some plain clothes detectives provided of course they are able to disengage themselves from shooting unarmed teenagers at angles of 45 degrees through their respective heads, for just a few hours. I am sure they wouldn’t mind…..the detectives I mean, not the unarmed teenagers. Actually, come to think of it, everyone would be happy, so it’s a win-win situation.
4. As a further gesture of good will, I think it would be a good idea to set up drink stalls along the route as the participants might get thirsty and would welcome a cool glass of iced lemon tea prepared by the Police Wives Association. Better still, try and get some of that duty free beer you serve in the police messes and sell cans to the marchers at discounted prices. Can you now appreciate all that goodwill you will be creating?
5. Don’t bother sending out instructions to the FRU boys. No one likes them. Tell them to take the weekend off. The last time your predecessor sought their assistance they got it all wrong. They started spraying peaceful marchers with water from cannons mounted on the back of their trucks. This created a horrible mess. People got drenched to their underwear and the roads became awfully slippery. Worse still some idiot thought it was a good idea to put mace into the water. Well let me tell you, that did not do anything for police/rakyat relations. Bad bad PR. Can’t let it happen again.
6. Which brings me on to the next issue. This tear gas thing. It isn’t cool. It may be entertaining for you guys to make people cry but most of us do not find it funny. It is also terribly passé. Lets move on. Your FRU guys watch too many TV action movies. That’s why they should be kept away. We can do without the melodramatics.
7. It might also be a good idea (public perception and all), to perhaps make a short speech at the beginning of the rally, explaining the virtues of a truly democratic society and the role the police play in ensuring that the principles of such a society are protected by the guardians of the peace (that’s you guys) without fear or favour, everyone being equal in the eyes of the law and that you will leave no stone unturned in your forces’ pursuit of justice and fair play, or something along those lines. Again good PR.
8. Parking issues. There will be a rather large number of vehicles entering KL with participants as occupants therein and they will need to park their cars somewhere. So instead of setting up road blocks on all the major arteries entering KL (like you guys did the last time) and causing massive traffic jams, perhaps we need to allocate designated car parks near the rally route to make things easier for the participants. Just set aside some ‘padangs’ for the afternoon. You may need to inform all those VIPs who can’t seem to travel anywhere without an escort of at least 9 out riders to just stay home for the day. You will then free up much needed traffic police personnel to help direct traffic instead.
9. You will also have to get used to the colour yellow. Everyone will be wearing a yellow T-shirt. If your men spot someone wearing one wandering around aimlessly, just point him or her in the direction of the rally meeting point. Take a cue from the tourist police in all those glossy adverts depicting lost Mat Sallehs holding maps on the streets of our capital city. You know, the smiling ‘Cik Konstable’ in her rather dashing tudung indicating politely in a culturally acceptable fashion, with an outstretched thumb, where the Telekom tower is. That’s the way to do it.
10. Now there will most likely be trouble makers present. You have to make sure these are the guys who are loaded into the back of hot and sweaty black mariahs, not the peaceful protestors. You will be able to identify the ‘baddies’ quite easily by the glazed and blank looks on their faces. Most will be wearing bandannas and sunglasses and will be found shouting incoherent profanities aimed at no one in general whilst waving yellow white and red flags. If your men spot a severed cows head or a Molotov cocktail or two, then that will be a dead giveaway. These are the ones you need to arrest even if they try camouflaging themselves in yellow T-shirts.
11. Especially of concern to you will be a gentleman who has made it clear he is going to try and wreak havoc by inciting discord. If you have been reading the news in the blogs recently you will have no trouble identifying him. This man is a menace. He needs to be shipped out to a remote island somewhere so he can rant and rave to himself. I have no idea how he managed to become a parliamentarian. I think this is what the Bersih rally is about.
12. When the rally is over, don’t just let things fizzle out. You will have a huge number of Malaysians in one place and at the same time. Encourage this ‘muhibbah’ spirit further by organizing a massive get together at Dataran Merdeka with live bands playing and buffet tables set up all around the padang serving local delicacies and refreshment. How to fund this you may ask? Not a problem. I hear Mr. Rais Yatim has a few million bucks to spend on cultural events. Just give him a quick phone call. I am quite certain he will fall over himself to donate towards such an important occasion, especially when it involves encouraging inter racial and inter cultural congeniality. I think that’s what his ministry is supposed to be doing anyhow.
When the party is finally over, after the crowds have dispersed and a dawn of a new day breaks, I have no doubt in my mind that you will feel a much better person for your most honourable contribution to such a worthy cause. You will be able to sleep peacefully at night knowing you have done the right thing. Your descendants will hold you in high esteem for being instrumental in helping bring the change this country so desperately needs.
And when you are living out your twilight years sitting in a wicker chair on your verandah, in your ‘pagoda’ singlet with a sarong wrapped around your waist, you will look back on this auspicious day with pride in your heart and you will say to yourself “I wouldn’t have done things any differently”.
Syabas my good man.
Yours sincerely,
Mat Malaysia
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