Unbearable pain behind suicides

According to the World Health Organisation, suicide rates all over the world have increased from 5% to 62% in the last 20 years and Malaysia has not been spared.

Jake (not his real name) was born with his amniotic sac intact. As an old wives’ tale goes, a baby born in what’s called a “caul” will never find death by sea.
Of his siblings, Jake was closest to his parents, the middle child who loved to hear the tale of how he came into the world. As a child Jake was mischievous and enjoyed wreaking havoc with his older sister and he always took the blame.
He was the “good buddy” to his friends who had fallen on hard times. Jake married in 1987, became a father to a beautiful baby girl. He now had everything he wanted in life but Jake never figured out how to hold on to it. He and his wife eventually divorced.
Jake remarried and after bouts of missing work, he lost his job. His mother was there to help him pick up the pieces. Only this time, she was not enough. He also had not seen his daughter for years. At first, Jake seemed to do well, finding a good job and reconnecting with his second wife, but his spirit was broken.
Three days before his 38th birthday, Jake was sent to San Francisco on a business trip. Later that day, he made his way to the Golden Gate Bridge and threw himself off. This is a true account shared by a sister whose brother committed suicide.
While stories of suicides may differ, what remains constant is the reason behind it – unbearable pain. (Read more at http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/d/depression/intro.htm?ktrack=kcplink.)
According to the Malaysian Psychiatric Association (MPA), depression is often thought of as experiencing feelings of sadness, “having the blues”, or being disheartened.
Its website notes that there is, however, a major difference between having normal feelings of sadness in reaction to a situation such as a death in the family, and having depression which intensifies to the point that they interfere with your ability to function normally and leading to suicidal thoughts.

The recent spate of suicide reports and the increasingly worrying sociopathic trends in Malaysia have compelled FMT to speak to counsellor Johana Johari, of My Confidential about why people commit suicide and how to help decrease the statistics.

What are the common misconceptions about suicides/suicidal people?

Many of us are unfairly profiled in reference to suicide methods in Malaysia based on what we read in the media. We think the Chinese commit suicide because of gambling, financial and unrequited love issues, the Indians do it to get out of a forced marriage and because of a broken heart and the Malays do it because of love problems.
There are also some people who believe in reincarnation and think that by dying in this life that is going badly for them, there will be an opportunity to be reborn into a new life with a fresh start.

Why in your opinion do people commit suicide?

It is a cry for help. Suicidal people often feel terribly isolated. Because of their distress, they may not think of anyone they can turn to, furthering this isolation. Most suicidal people give warning signs in the hope that they will be rescued. They are intent on stopping their emotional pain, not on dying.

Could you elaborate on this ‘feeling of isolation’?

Many people experience feeling alone every now and then. Some people go through it even in the presence of their friends, family members and partners.
But when sadness, emptiness and misery are present all the time it will make you feel really lonely. It’s like you are at a different place, so alone and isolated from everyone else and nobody seems to care about your existence.

In a society such as ours, being gay – or at least admitting to being one will result in the person coming under a lot of fire. How do they cope with this?

Lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders (LGBT) and questioning youths are up to four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers, according to the Massachusetts 2006 Youth Risk Survey.
As for how they cope, well, many of them stick to their own. They socialise in a closed circle of people who make them feel accepted. This gives them a sense of belonging, the freedom to be themselves and not pretend to be someone they are not.

Could you address the issue of suicides from gay bashing?

The first thing everyone needs to understand is this – homosexuality is not about sex. It’s about identity.
I conducted a group counselling session for a group of gay men in 2002 and I realised that all they want to be is themselves.
Certain quarters who found out I was conducting this session asked me, “You counsel gays? Do you straighten them out?”
People are so judgemental. We have certain ideas and ideals that we impose on others. Gay people do not impose (theirs) on others.
I feel it’s my responsibility to say this because it might help someone. We wouldn’t like it if we were persecuted for the way we lived our lives, so why judge others and persecute them?
If we could develop a little more compassion, I think that will help to decrease suicide statistics.

How do telephone counselling and suicide hot-line services work?

When someone speaks to a counsellor, they have to know that they will be accepted and not judged. This is a kind of comfort that awaits them.
When my clients mention suicide, I usually ask them if they are sure it’s going to work and if they are very sure that this is the only way out?
Different services vary in what they offer, but in general you can ring up and speak anonymously to a counsellor about any sort of problems in a no-pressure context that’s less threatening than a face-to-face session.
The most important thing to remember is that if you can’t get through the first time, keep ringing until you get to speak to someone.
Some say suicidal people will never talk or give hints about wanting to die. Others say they do. How will I know if someone is suicidal or not? What are the signs?
Things to watch for when assessing potential risk…
 Remember P.L.A.I.D.
Plan: Do they have one?
Lethality: Is it lethal? Can they die?
Availability: Do they have the means to carry it out?
Illness: Do they have a mental or physical illness?
Depression: Chronic or specific incident(s)?
Always take a person seriously when they discuss suicide.

What are some common myths surrounding suicide?

Myth: Only other people commit suicide. It will not happen to me.

Fact: Everyone has a fleeting thought of ending his/her life in a crisis situation, but not everyone pursues the thought.

Myth: People who talk about suicide do not commit it, but only threaten to do so.

Fact: While a few use the technique of minor degrees of self-injury to draw the attention of people around them, many give early clues at some point.

Myth: A person committing suicide never reveals his/her intention to anyone.

Fact: This is not always true. The majority of people give a clue or warning feeler, sign or an act that should be taken seriously, as a cry for help.

Myth: Only poor people commit suicide.

Fact: Not true. Suicide is not a problem related to class, age or gender.

Myth: Suicide runs in families, so nothing can be done.

Fact: Even though suicide has a biological basis, evidence of a hereditary basis is scientifically lacking.

Myth: Suicidal persons are always mentally ill.

Fact: This again is not entirely true. A large number of people attempting suicide are depressed, unhappy, sad or violent before the act. Many physically and mentally healthy people also commit suicide.

Myth: Asking about suicidal thoughts may precipitate it.

Fact: Asking about suicide does NOT precipitate it. In fact, not asking about suicide may prevent identification of a person at risk for suicide.

Myth: If a person is saved once, there is no need to bother about him later.

Fact: A large number of those who attempt suicide need to be watched carefully over a period of time. There is evidence to show that up to 10% of such people repeat the act.
What would be five things NEVER to say to a suicidal person?
Do not:
• Judge them
• Show anger toward them
• Provoke guilt
• Discount their feelings
• Tell them to ‘snap out of it’
How do I approach someone whom I think is suicidal without sounding offensive?
‘Pretend’ to be a counsellor. Acknowledge and accept their feelings even if they appear distorted.
Be an active listener. Repeat some of their statements to let them know you are listening. For example: “You sound like you’re feeling abandoned. Is this correct?”
Try to give them hope and remind them what they are feeling is temporary, without provoking guilt. Be there for them. Hold them, hug them, touch them. Allow them to show their feelings. If you love them, tell them. Pamper them. Feed them if they are hungry. Help them get some help.

How does suicide affect family and friends?

The effects of suicidal behaviour or completed suicide on friends and family members are often devastating.
Survivors may experience a great range of conflicting emotions about the deceased, feeling everything from intense emotional pain and sadness about the loss to helplessness to prevent it, and a longing for the person they lost.
It can also stir anger at the deceased for taking their own life, especially if the suicide took place after years of physical or mental illness in their loved one.

In what ways are suicidal people a danger to those around them?

It is not the suicidal tendency that is a threat to others. Suicidal thoughts are the results of other factors at play. It may be anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder and others.
When these factors, either one or a combination of more than one, goes undiagnosed and untreated, they become weapons that have the potential to harm others around them.

This is a question which many people might have on their minds: “What about me? Am I at risk?”

Anyone who is curious to know whether they are at risk can measure themselves using the Common Suicide Risk Indicators below:

• A previous suicide attempt, even if it seemed staged or designed to get attention, or boasts of past or secret suicide attempts.

• Talking about being dead or wishing they were dead, how others would be happier if he/she were dead or how much better off others will be when he/she is gone.

• Repeatedly engaging in very risky or dangerous thrill-seeking behaviour.

• “Getting the house in order” – making plans for the care of loved siblings, parents, relatives or pets and giving away cherished belongings to close friends.

• Extreme mood swings; very depressed episodes followed by happy episodes with no clear reason for the change.

• Regular expressions of worthlessness, helplessness, sadness and/or loneliness.
• Drastic changes in habits, friends, or appearance, skipping school, dropping out of favourite activities, and no longer caring about appearance or cleanliness.

• Changes in weight, sleeping habits, and physical activity.

• Withdrawing from friends, family, or activities that once gave the person pleasure or a sense of identity.

Some are of the opinion that suicide is a very selfish act, while the person who is contemplating suicide thinks otherwise. What are your thoughts?

Let’s be clear – people who are suicidal do NOT have ego problems. Likely reasons for wanting to die are feelings of absolute worthlessness and thinking about all the pain and trouble they and their mental illness have caused for the people around them.
Sometimes they see suicide as a way to prevent them from doing further harm to their family and acquaintances.
So telling someone who already think they are less than human garbage that they are selfish just gives them one MORE reason to want to die: “I knew I was a horrible person, but now, even worse, I’m selfish too. I’d better take myself out of the equation before I cause even more trouble.”
People who are suicidal are in an unbelievable amount of pain – so much so that death seems the better option than to continue with the pain.
What these people really need is authentic empathy, unconditional positive regard and unconditional acceptance.
For counselling enquiries, please email Johana at johana.myconfidential@gmail.com