COMMENT
I was researching topical materials for this article to be published
next month. But the ever so colourful headlines recently have provided
enough fodder for this second instalment of the next 20 things to ban in
Malaysia, for release now:
1)
Signboards of ‘lembu’ crossing - I suggest that all
these traffic signages be banned from the roads. In their religion, the
‘lembu’ is never angry but always at peace and thus, (since we need to
respect all Malaysians' sensitivities) we must not offend the Hindus.
You see, a naive Hindu could mistakenly read the sign as meaning a holy
animal is crossing over to another religion.
2)
Positive (‘+’) sign - this symbol should be
eliminated from Malaysian electronic devices because non-Christians who
use them daily, may be fooled into converting to Christianity seeing the
crucifix-like symbol appearing ubiquitously as if it’s a calling from
God.

3)
Plus highway
- this infrastructure should be renamed as ‘Minus’ highway due to its
false advertising and again, Christian connotation. Anyone traveling on
this Christian themed (‘+’ see above clarification) highway may think
that this is indeed the path to heaven and would be sorely disappointed
that upon consummation of their journey, instead of 72 dainty virgins at
the end, only a decrepit vestibule (toll booth) awaits them.
4)
Anchor beer logo - should be banned because the logo
has a ‘cross’ at the top of the anchor’s shaft. According to an NGO,
non-Christians may be tricked into converting when they drink this
liquid as complained recently of a certain branded bottled water. To
nail it, I suggest a name change to ‘Screw’ beer. Then, most Malaysians
won’t feel shafted by a loose screw or two.
5)
RM1 note - this note contains pictures of flying
kites. Using these notes may lead us to think that we too can fly or
‘berkhayal’. As we know, ‘khayal’ is a mystical foreign habit, possibly
ancient Persian, that may destroy the local culture of lepak-ism.
Without our youths busy lepak-ing, how can we get them to lobby for
dubious causes for a mere RM60 a day. Certain political parties would
find it extremely difficult to find supporters otherwise.

6)
Batu Caves -
because we can see the cave and the huge Murugan statue from the main
road. There are also some Malay and Chinese kampongs nearby. There's a
danger that these rakyat may ‘ter-convert’ to Hinduism by looking at
these structures.
7)
Tourism Ministry - because this ministry is
promoting Hindu, Buddhist and Taoist beliefs by encouraging foreigners
to visit their places of worship in Malaysia. Innocent Middle Eastern
tourists may accidentally convert by visiting such places instead of
thronging Bukit Bintang’s redlight areas and contributing to our
economy.
8)
Cigarettes - sounds extremely hypocritical but
there's already a fatwa against smoking but nobody (including all the
concerned NGOs) is protesting at all. Similarly, ‘shisha’ should also be
banned because there are too many foreign ‘shisha’ vendors when
hundreds of highly qualified UiTM graduates are unemployed. As an
alternate form of relaxation henceforth, we should pet an amphibian
because from recent croaks heard, some wild frogs are feeling rather
untouched.
9)
Female swimwear - no longer necessary because soon,
with Islamic State (IS) wanna-bes operating without restraint in
Malaysia, half the population can no longer swim in the seas off
Malaysia. I may be royally wrong but my sister is lamenting that such
liberal dressing is totally unacceptable in a prudish country like ours.
Just stick to track bottoms/bicycle shorts when swimming and ignore the
false western health safety warnings, clearly a Zionist plot.
Subconsciously tricked
10)
Popular term ‘tambah’ gula/susu/nasi - it's so
obvious we are being subconsciously tricked into converting: Tambah =
add = ‘+’. See (2) above for those still blur. From now on, to add
something, a law shall be enacted to use only the words ‘kasi lebih’ or
aptly in English, ‘castrate further’.
11)
The half-moon logo - it represents a certain
religion’s common symbol. And you know what they say about the moon's
influence - it causes insanity. (As noticed recently, these moon
watchers in Malaysia make new rules daily). We can’t have confused
Confucians who are weak in their ecclesiastical convictions
coincidentally converting by craning at the crescent. Completely crazy.
12)
Britney Spears - in a certain religion’s
manifestations, some of its deities are depicted holding spears. It
‘Should be Easy’ to see that this is a Jewish conspiracy disguising
Britney as a Hindu deity (as in Whoopi is a Jew?). Oops, ‘I Did it
Again’ but we cannot have the rakyat converting to Hinduism
accidentally. It would be a ‘Circus’.
13)
2019 - I suggest Malaysia skips that year as it
would definitely offend certain peoples' sensitivity. We should call it
the Year after the Year after the Year of the Cock. Even the Year before
the Year of the Cock, is one that some doggedly would not touch. Hence,
to respect their sensitivities, just let them talk Cock year.
14)
Cross junction (‘simpang empat’) - clearly the term
was designed to fool some of us into the path of heaven. Henceforth,
all cross junctions shall be converted into roundabouts so that all
Malaysians can go around in circles to reach our final destination,

15)
History
- no longer shall we force our kids to study ancient civilisations and
global theology. Why do that when we have thousands of local scholars
who can rewrite history and spew theologically inspiring edicts
currently. The rumour that a local academic may have plagiarised
another’s literary content, must be seen positively as flattery to
originality and not a lack of intellectual depth.
16)
Elections - this western democratic practice is
very dangerous because every five years or so, we are forcing millions
of Malaysians to mark a ‘cross’ on their ballot paper. Imagine, some
(especially those lucky enough to do it twice or thrice) may be
influenced by marking the ‘cross’ and convert. It took a generation of
hard work by the administration to change the demographics of one East
Malaysian state before and we cannot expect the present government to
legally divert resources again to do likewise.
17)
Biskut nenas - we Malaysians are a very gullible
lot. Though tidbit, eating a cookie named after a woman of loose morals
may lead us to be as promiscuous. At this point, I also propose renaming
the popular non-halal dish (which landed Alvivi in hot soup) because
Bah Good Teh can mislead East Malaysians into thinking they are drinking
an excellent Cameronian brew. Not to make a storm in a tea cup but if
we can recently coin ‘padang kereta’ as ‘parkir’, the proposed renaming
would be just a cup of tea.
Allow all to copy each other
18)
Independent examinations - because in Malaysia, we
have embraced capitalism better than anywhere else and only here, the
laws of supply and demand work like textbook. There's always a method to
procure solutions commercially.
Since we now have to spend something like RM44,000 per CCTV camera to
keep watch over safe rooms, instead of wasting millions (maybe billions)
by awarding negotiated contracts, let’s just ban such examination
security measures.
Instead, we should allow all candidates to copy each other, or bring
books into the examination halls. This way, we will encourage
multi-racial comingling our our young minds and indeed, with the heavy
books they have to carry, this will also lend appropriate meaning to
exercise books.
Besides, we are already doing this in certain matriculation classes and
places of higher yearning so all we need to do now is to extend this
excellent practice nationally and save the money for the rakyat,
19)
English-medium schools - this type of school is
very disruptive. You can’t teach young minds to be racist, religiously
militant, racially superior, economically selfish and socially rent
seeking in schools where the students tend to speak in English mostly.
To succeed in Malaysia today, you need to have all the aforementioned
qualities, all that are served plentifully in a certain vernacular
school type.
A nation of well-spoken and intellectually reasonable young adults, is
not going to help in achieving national goals. Luckily we have the Biro
Tatanegara where the principles of universal justice and notions of
social equality can be thoroughly disabused from the minds of students
from English/vernacular schools, and, made on par with those from local
medium schools. Forget about long-term effects when short term goals are
achieved.
20)
Rukunegara - because paragraph (5) says “mutual
respect and good social behaviour”. Obviously, totally outrageous and
not applicable because neither of these tenets are practised in
Malaysia.
I do realise that I've been proposing several bans so to be fair, I also
have a couple of proposals that I suggest implementing as follows.

a)
Aquatic runways
- in future, all airport runway infrastructure must include swimming
(only for men of course) facilities. This is because, with so much
experience in ‘ponding’, Malaysian contractors are now experts and can
expand the runway linked ponds into pools without significant
incremental cost. We will indeed be envied by the Dutch (again) for
Malaysia Boleh!
b)
Graduate School of Stupidity - I know an honourable MIC leader had proposed an
Act of Stupidity.
Before they graduate and hence for his proposed Act to apply, we must
have a school for students to learn the art of stupidity.
From initial research, it looks like we will have to have a very large
school, and indeed, most can start at the post graduate level. From
reviewing the level of stupidity exhibited by many politicians, senior
civil servants and several NGO leaders, it appears that they are likely
Masters of Stupidity. Hence, I think we may have to start doctoral
classes for them.
Some, have got double PhDs in stupidity for sure. A self-serving convert
who masquerades as an academic comes to mind. He keeps company with a
minister who recently created the possibility of aquatic runways. Of
course, I won't turn my back on a failed academic who now seeks infamy
by blasphemy. Indeed, the school may have more potential applicants than
available space.
Related story
Top 20 things to ban in Malaysia
RAMESH RAJARATNAM watches with amusement the headliners in Malaysia and offers his alternate views.